Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

I gave up going to work for lent.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon