30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.