30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS