Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.