Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest