30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can