30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Shoo shoo! 😂
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.