Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Gross if literal…Liverpool

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.