30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here