Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

me after eating Cheetos

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.