30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’m not proud
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.