Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!