“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?