Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Me if I was a dog

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.