<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌