<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Creepy-crawlies
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”