Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Milk Cube

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.