Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.