Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.