Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.