*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.