*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me


Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*


My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.


It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting


I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?


Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no


Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!


I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.