[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
