[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My first child will be named New Folder.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
