Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

be safe out there!

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

New Tinder profile.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.