Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Ape together strong

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost