[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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Lol.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Emma is smarter than all of us.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.