[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Support your local cemetery
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
fourth time’s the charm
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.