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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute