Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
You Might Also Like
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going