3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
You got this…
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Kids, do not try this at home!
Saturday
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song