Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.