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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
this has done me in for some reason
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
nothing saves money like being antisocial
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other