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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.