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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Twitter remains undefeated
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.