30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My life coach traded me.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.