30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.