31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate