Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Jupiter

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda