Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus