Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day