(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂