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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down