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Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
me after i passed that state trooper
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”