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you’re damn right i have
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID