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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.