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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water