Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Great game to play with friends
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.