Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Someone just threatened to call me later

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

🏙👨🏼

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.