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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*