You Might Also Like
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it