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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Who did it better?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Chemical wingman
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course