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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
He has no idea 🤡
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
this could fix me
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?