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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.