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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!