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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Eating for two.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Most Common Source of Electricity
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank