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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Grandpa
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life