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*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Life is a suicide mission.
I’ve disappointed better people.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”