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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”