You Might Also Like
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!