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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??