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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.