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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
According to math, I’m broke
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Sing it!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.