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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.