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I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver