Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house