3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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lmao
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.