3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend