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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
For the orator and chef in all of us
This is the best one I’ve seen
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Noted.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
